I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
