Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
