I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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