the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
sarcasm needs its own font
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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