Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
