She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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