guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
