new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize