How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
3pm strippers are depressing
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
