Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
