i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
