I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
