Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
