All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
