she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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