walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
