yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
