those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
