I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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