my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
