Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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