Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
