He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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