Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
