Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
