so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
