He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
