my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
