Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
