When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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