my vag is so smooth its legendary
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The uberlube is also flammable
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
