I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize