I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
