If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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