chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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