And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
