So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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