how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
