my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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