I accidentally had phone sex last night
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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