Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
