ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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