So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
