Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
