my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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