u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
