she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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