I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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