you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
