Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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