I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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