Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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