and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize