Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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