Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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