Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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